Movies are Stupid

youre a poopy face full of poopiness and youre madly in love with my best friend.

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 21:30:30 -0400

Tell your friend I’m sorry, but my heart belongs to T-Pain :,(

Movies are Stupid: In Response to Sarah Bear(s poop in the woods) Ludwig

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 21:02:11 -0400

Movies are Stupid: In Response to Sarah Bear(s poop in the woods) Ludwig:

Hey there little guy,

I’m sorry your car screwed up in the middle of an intersection, and I’m glad you got it fixed again. However, I wish your predicament would have happened on a draw bridge while a huge boat was coursing towards it. It would have added an air of drama to the whole ordeal I…

Let’s green light this deal. my one condition is that I’m played half of the time by Ke$ha and half the time by Rick Moranis circa little shop of horrors. (I really think he looks like me)

Deal. Only if I can be played by a combination of Dane Cook and an Afghan hound.

I call him “Great Dane Cook”

In Response to Sarah Bear(s poop in the woods) Ludwig

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 19:25:25 -0400

Hey there little guy,

I’m sorry your car screwed up in the middle of an intersection, and I’m glad you got it fixed again. However, I wish your predicament would have happened on a draw bridge while a huge boat was coursing towards it. It would have added an air of drama to the whole ordeal I think. Your car stalls in the middle of the drawbridge, while the bridge keeper is out on lunch or something (he’s not present), and what’s that noise? Oh no! It’s a luxury cruise liner!

You stomp the gas furiously and get nothing but a lame moan from your car. The cruise liner lets out a booming warning horn, which succeeds in making your skin goose-bump and a thin layer of sweat bead out on your forehead.

You stomp the gas again. Nothing. The liner isn’t slowing down— the captain doesn’t realize anything is wrong.

You shut off the engine; the camera zooms to your eyes, clinched hard together waiting for your impending doom. You hear the crushing of the shining white hull of the luxury liner connecting with the steel and stone of a modern draw bridge in a deadly, ungodly howl. But you feel no impact. In fact, you only feel the slightly sensation of flying. You open your eyes. “Am I dead?” you think?

Warily you peek out of your window, and find the bridge hundreds of feet below you.

You have been air lifted to safety by a crack team of ex-military helicopter pilots, code name: Air Wolf

What I mean is… it’s okay you broke my heart, and it’s okay that yours was broken, too. But AirWolf will always be there to save us.

My Great-Aunt Reviews "Inception"

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 22:36:16 -0400

This week, I had to go out of town to see a sick friend of mine, so I had my 96-year-old great aunt, Sophie fill in for me. Her review is of Inception, the new release by Christopher Nolan (Director of Batman Begins, Batman The Dark Night, Batman Scared Stupid, Batman Goes to Africa, Batman Ends, The Prestige) which is sure to be a genre-smashing blockbuster.

While this may be her first review it,like the movie she is reviewing, is truly a tour de force and a genuine American treasure.

INCEPTION: A REVIEW OF A VERY GOOD MOVIE FILM

When my great nephew wanted me to do a review for his smash hit website on the internet, I was deeply honored.

“Jason,” I said. “There are literally thousands of other people in the United States and all of them will be reading this! Are you sure I can handle such a task?”

And he said to me,”My name’s not Jason.”

Jason was kind enough to give me a list of players in this movie film’s all-star cast, some of which I have heard of before. Michael Caine. I’ve heard his name before. And Ellen Paige! Oh how I just love her television show!

She always dances so well! I couldn’t care less if she were a lesbian or not. She is going to hell for her sins of homosexuality, but do you think perhaps, just maybe, that the Lord would make an exception for such an exceptional lady? No. He would not. Homosexuality is a sin and she will burn in hell eternally for it.

The leading man is a dashing mongoloid by the name of Leonardo DiCaprio, who is know for his brave, autobiographical role in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”. Such a bold young retard.

Inception was playing at the Royal Regal Cinema, so I went to view it there. Imagine my surprise when I saw it was playing not in one, not in two, not in three, not in four, not in five, not in six, but in seven of their theaters. My original thought was that the extra theaters were for coloreds and chinamen, but this was not the case; there were several chinamen in the theater in which I viewed the movie film.

I was offended and confronted management immediately.

“Chinamen!” I said to the corpulent, disgraceful, unmannered, uncultured hog of a manager.

He replied with silence and an upturned eyebrow. I looked at his nametag which read “Marco Garcia” and I realized I was conversing with a Mexican and he clearly had no grasp of the English language. Outraged, I took my leave Royal Regal Cinema.

Sophie’s review ends there. I’m not sure if she intended it to be any longer because when I came back into town, I found her curled up in her over-stuffed armchair, dead as a doornail.

On her lap was a piece of needle point, which I have uploaded a photograph of.

My character Larry visits his local cafe and does three minutes...

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 19:50:52 -0400

My character Larry visits his local cafe and does three minutes of cracker jack material.

This is my character Larry doing an interview with...

Sat, 05 Jun 2010 22:10:01 -0400

This is my character Larry doing an interview with “NPR”

are u gonna go to the gainesville tumblr meet up???

http://jesicamarie.tumblr.com/post/629056353/hanbanesty-steampoweredmedia-remember-the

Thu, 27 May 2010 05:33:54 -0400

Probably not. I’m in Gainesville on Friday and I probably won’t feel like coming back on Saturday.

Thanks, though.

Ironman 2: A Review of a Movie I Haven't Seen

Mon, 17 May 2010 20:57:57 -0400

Today I am reviewing the recent blockbuster release “Ironman2: I’m STEEL Here”.

It’s been nearly 13 years since the Shaquile O’Neal vehicle “Steel” was released to simultaneous critical applause and radical Muslim uproar (for its zany depiction of The Prophet Mohammed). After leaving fans screaming “more, more!” like a bitch in heat, director Kenneth Johnson finally delivers his money shot with an idiosyncratic take on the sequel, “Iron Man2”.

Read “Iron Man Squared”, Ironm An2 focuses on John Henry Steel’s superhero rivalry with John Henry Iron (who calls himself Ironman), whom Steel says is “The square root of me. I am Iron Man Squared.”

The movie opens with somebody with dreadlocks(Danny Trejo? I’m pretty sure it’s Danny Trejo) whipping big electric whips around a racetrack, causing general mischief, until he is hit by a car driven by John Henry Iron. Iron steps out of his car, and smiles at the camera saying,”I guess he got whiplash.”

Suddenly, Trejo(?) stands up and shouts “What is your name?”, to which Iron replies,”Ironman.”
Trejo(??) then whips him with an electric whip and replies “Your name is Toby!”
Ironman screams out,”No! It’s Ironman!”
and Trejo(???) whips him again, retorting “Your name is Toby!”
to which Ironman replies,”No! It’s Ironman!”

This epic struggle of wills continues for an astounding 37 minutes until John Henry Steel slams his car into Trejo (????).
He then steps out of his car and says,”Sorry to STEEL the show.”

Ironman does not accept his apology in the most brusque form— with a punch to the face.

In what could only be described as vicisitudious(?????) the titans clash in a clash of the titans in a way that titans have not clashed since the titans clashed in “Remember the Titans”.

Shaquile O’Neal does well, but whoever plays John Henry Iron STEELS the show.

I think this guy played him. I don’t know. I didn’t read the credits.

The movie was less of an action film and more of an intense dramedy focusing less on the brutal, graphic violence between Ironman and Steel, and more on the brutal, graphic love Ironman and Steel learn to feel for each other.

Abe Vigoda’s genre-busting performance as Mohammed was sorely missed, having been written out due to his death in late September, but Scarlett Johansenn’s graceful performance as Danny Trejo(??????) quickly made us forget all about Abe Vigoda.
Abe who?
Haha!

Ironman Squared is the must see movie of this summer blockbuster season.

I give it two thumbs up, three rainbows, nineteen horseshoes, and half of a xannie-bar.

Ironman Squared is rated Pg-13 for cursing, violence, and graphic homosexual and bi-species sexuality

Justin Reviews "Old Dogs"

Mon, 17 May 2010 20:52:00 -0400

Old dogs are what young dogs become when they get old. One would think this common knowledge, but everybody always acts surprised when little Rover starts pukin’ blood all over the good rug.
Maybe they thought ol’ trusty Rover would stay spry and healthy their whole life; maybe they thought the rug would be good forever.
Regardless, when things get old enough, they start puking blood and eventually die.
So aptly titled is the new “Old Dogs”, the new John Travolta/Robin Williams vehicle. And by vehicle I mean old, rusty Camaro who’s radio was jacked fifteen years ago and never replaced, leaving a gaping wirey hole where it once was. What was once completely bitchin’ just makes us cringe when you pull up in it and honk that old familiar horn.

Look what you’ve done, Robin Williams. Look what you’ve done to Rover!

Okay, truth be told, I haven’t seen this movie. I will eventually. Why? Because my dad has bad taste in movies and the Red Box is an enabler of his habits. I saw “Wild Hogs” despite my better notions, and regretted every moment from the first leather jacket to the inescapable and obvious final show down with Danny Trejo.
I think that’s what directors do. Got a crappy, limp script and washed up actors and want to force some edge into it? Throw in an ex-con Mexican boxer. Boom, movie magic. Let’s go home guys.
I used to be afraid of Danny Trejo, ever since he showed up in “Desperado” bringing knives to a gunfight(with obvious consquences). But now, I feel like if I saw him in a dark alley, I’d just have to have a montage with Larry the Cable Guy fixing up some small town Women’s Club and he’d let me nail him in the balls and walk away with the girl, unraped and neutered.

And what happened to Robin Williams? She used to be so beautiful, back in her “Mrs. Doubtfire” heyday when she crossdressed as a creepy ex-coke addict to get married to her lovely lady friend or whatever. I dunno.
And John Travolta? More like John Trasuck…gay… I dunno, I gave up on that one.

Point being, “Old Dogs” is surefire to be the movie of the year with its touching story about two (probably gay) middle aged best friends who raise a baby together.
Sure to make as big of a statement as “Milk”, and have all of the warmth of previous Williams triumphs as “Jack” and “One Hour Photo”.
Go see this now.

I give this movie a nine.
Out of whatever.
Meh.

A Review of District 9 (From the Point of View of a Duck)

Mon, 17 May 2010 20:49:30 -0400

Quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack. Quack!
Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack; quack quack quack quack quack.

Quack quack Quack(Quack Quackquack), quack quack quack. Quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack quack.

Quack Quack(Quack Quack), quack quack quack— quack quack!
Quack quack quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack. Quack?

Quack quack…

Quack quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack. Quuuuuaaaaaaacckk?!?!

Quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack quack.

15/ 23 Stars

Movie Review: Inglourious Basterds, or, G.I. Joe in the '40s.

Mon, 17 May 2010 20:48:35 -0400

Quentin Tarrantino, or QT-Pie as he’s called around these parts, is like driving a car through a tennis match— You don’t lose, but you certainly don’t win.

After struggling through as many of his movies as possible I have determined that Quentin Tarrantino has no actual original thoughts of his own, but lives just as a big, ugly mirror.
It’s like he’s a band that plays only on tribute albums.

The name “Inglourious Basterds” is a bastardization of “Inglorious Bastards”, the American title of an Italian movie about people stealing from the Nazis.
Now, let’s get this straight…

The Italians fought with the Nazis back in WWII.
That’s like America making a movie about a Taliban freedom fighter killing a bunch of British troops.

But in his film, QT-Pie has a group of American Jews sent over to Germany to “kill some nazis”.
But little do they know that the nazis aren’t some kind of game bird, but a vicious group of vicious soldiers.

Truly, this movie would have been fantastic, had it not sucked.
The action parts were phenomenal, and the end, where they actually kill Hitler and the rest of the Gestappo and SS, was probably the most cathartic moment in film history.
But to get to the cream filling, you had to endure long, mushy bites of warm poo.

QT-Pie films have this annoying tendency to feature people sitting around talking about whatever Tarrantino thinks would make his movies seem intellectual, in this case German film makers.
So, after an hour long diatribe that sounds like it was written by a gung-ho first year Film major, you see some blood.
The Basterds brutally execute several people.
And it really is Glourious to see a Mickey Mantel wannabe smash a dudes head in with a bat.

But then, whaboom, it goes back to the long, dumb dialogue about something that gives this movie “flavor”.

And they went on forever.

The movie itself logged almost as much time as World War II, including pre-blitzkrieg hostilities, but ended with much less satisfaction.

There were some classic funny moments(Correct-o), and even some intellectual and subtle jokes(the subtitling of “Wunderbar” as “wunderbar”) but they simply didn’t make up for it.
You can tie a couple of water wingies to a cement block, but it’s still going to sink.

This movie could have been a great movie, and I fully believe that it is possible to salvage it.
I beg you, Universal Pictures, make an “Un-director’s Cut”.
Take out all of the signature Tarrantino blabbing, and you will have a great, funny action film completely void of plot holes.
Seriously. It’s THAT superfluous.

In conclusion, I don’t think QT-Pie actually knows what an action movie is.
I saw Grindhouse, a movie about a supposed serial killer who-wait for it- kills three people before he’s killed by three girls and their crappy car after a nice long talk about god knows what.
Grindhouse was supposed to be literally nothing but senseless violence, but QT-Pie’s production was 90% talking about NOTHING.

So, go see Inglourious Basterds because I know you’re going to any way.
Go quote the lines.
But remember— deep down inside, you know it wasn’t that good.

My Review of G.I. Joe, or, Succumbing to Peer Pressure and Being Cool

Mon, 17 May 2010 20:47:01 -0400

Seeing as both Justin Brasher and Dylan H. Macy(I forget your last name, forgive my insolence) have devoted time to reviewing G.I. Joe, I decided it was high time to review the movie myself.

Now, some may say,”Gee, J-Money. Isn’t it hard to review a movie you haven’t even seen?”
My answer?
No.

Now, G.I. Joe tells the story of Gregory Ignacious Joe(played by Jeff Goldblum), a young and hip writer for a counter culture magazine. His collumn, “Knowing is Half the Battle” is a biting, rife satire on the local politics of New York City(known as Bigtownopolis in the movie).

However, he comes underfire after criticizing the mayor’s forced abortion laws by competitor magazine the “Columbia, Oxford and Brown Research Association” or “COBRA”, a monthly conservative review. Literally.

After Joe is set on fire, he swears revenge on COBRA and, with his offbeat but sexy wife Cheryl (played by Melissa Joan Heart), sets off on a trans-Atlantic road trip to beat up the president of Oxford, Brown and Columbia.

All in all, it is a heart warming tale of friendship, love and journalism good for the whole family. Some of the humor, namely the fart jokes, seemed a bit unnecessary, but they fit the characters perfectly.

The dialogue was biting, rife satire on post-9/11 America and the acting was superb.

Even the final scene, where Greg, Cheryl and COBRA Kai(of Karate Kid fame!!!!) stage a free for all badminton tournament, the movie never loses its endearing and enduring sense of whimsy.

Ten stars.