Movies are stupid.
Read my stupid reviews of stupid movies.
I'm going to punch you.
Tell your friend I’m sorry, but my heart belongs to T-Pain :,(
Hey there little guy,
I’m sorry your car screwed up in the middle of an intersection, and I’m glad you got it fixed again. However, I wish your predicament would have happened on a draw bridge while a huge boat was coursing towards it. It would have added an air of drama to the whole ordeal I think. Your car stalls in the middle of the drawbridge, while the bridge keeper is out on lunch or something (he’s not present), and what’s that noise? Oh no! It’s a luxury cruise liner!
You stomp the gas furiously and get nothing but a lame moan from your car. The cruise liner lets out a booming warning horn, which succeeds in making your skin goose-bump and a thin layer of sweat bead out on your forehead.
You stomp the gas again. Nothing. The liner isn’t slowing down— the captain doesn’t realize anything is wrong.
You shut off the engine; the camera zooms to your eyes, clinched hard together waiting for your impending doom. You hear the crushing of the shining white hull of the luxury liner connecting with the steel and stone of a modern draw bridge in a deadly, ungodly howl. But you feel no impact. In fact, you only feel the slightly sensation of flying. You open your eyes. “Am I dead?” you think?
Warily you peek out of your window, and find the bridge hundreds of feet below you.
You have been air lifted to safety by a crack team of ex-military helicopter pilots, code name: Air Wolf
What I mean is… it’s okay you broke my heart, and it’s okay that yours was broken, too. But AirWolf will always be there to save us.
This week, I had to go out of town to see a sick friend of mine, so I had my 96-year-old great aunt, Sophie fill in for me. Her review is of Inception, the new release by Christopher Nolan (Director of Batman Begins, Batman The Dark Night, Batman Scared Stupid, Batman Goes to Africa, Batman Ends, The Prestige) which is sure to be a genre-smashing blockbuster.
While this may be her first review it,like the movie she is reviewing, is truly a tour de force and a genuine American treasure.
INCEPTION: A REVIEW OF A VERY GOOD MOVIE FILM
When my great nephew wanted me to do a review for his smash hit website on the internet, I was deeply honored.
"Jason," I said. "There are literally thousands of other people in the United States and all of them will be reading this! Are you sure I can handle such a task?"
And he said to me,”My name’s not Jason.”
Jason was kind enough to give me a list of players in this movie film’s all-star cast, some of which I have heard of before. Michael Caine. I’ve heard his name before. And Ellen Paige! Oh how I just love her television show!
She always dances so well! I couldn’t care less if she were a lesbian or not. She is going to hell for her sins of homosexuality, but do you think perhaps, just maybe, that the Lord would make an exception for such an exceptional lady? No. He would not. Homosexuality is a sin and she will burn in hell eternally for it.
The leading man is a dashing mongoloid by the name of Leonardo DiCaprio, who is know for his brave, autobiographical role in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”. Such a bold young retard.
Inception was playing at the Royal Regal Cinema, so I went to view it there. Imagine my surprise when I saw it was playing not in one, not in two, not in three, not in four, not in five, not in six, but in seven of their theaters. My original thought was that the extra theaters were for coloreds and chinamen, but this was not the case; there were several chinamen in the theater in which I viewed the movie film.
I was offended and confronted management immediately.
"Chinamen!" I said to the corpulent, disgraceful, unmannered, uncultured hog of a manager.
He replied with silence and an upturned eyebrow. I looked at his nametag which read “Marco Garcia” and I realized I was conversing with a Mexican and he clearly had no grasp of the English language. Outraged, I took my leave Royal Regal Cinema.
Sophie’s review ends there. I’m not sure if she intended it to be any longer because when I came back into town, I found her curled up in her over-stuffed armchair, dead as a doornail.
On her lap was a piece of needle point, which I have uploaded a photograph of.
My character Larry visits his local cafe and does three minutes of cracker jack material.
This is my character Larry doing an interview with “NPR”
Probably not. I’m in Gainesville on Friday and I probably won’t feel like coming back on Saturday.
Today I am reviewing the recent blockbuster release “Ironman2: I’m STEEL Here”.
It’s been nearly 13 years since the Shaquile O’Neal vehicle “Steel” was released to simultaneous critical applause and radical Muslim uproar (for its zany depiction of The Prophet Mohammed). After leaving fans screaming “more, more!” like a bitch in heat, director Kenneth Johnson finally delivers his money shot with an idiosyncratic take on the sequel, “Iron Man2”.
Read “Iron Man Squared”, Ironm An2 focuses on John Henry Steel’s superhero rivalry with John Henry Iron (who calls himself Ironman), whom Steel says is “The square root of me. I am Iron Man Squared.”
The movie opens with somebody with dreadlocks(Danny Trejo? I’m pretty sure it’s Danny Trejo) whipping big electric whips around a racetrack, causing general mischief, until he is hit by a car driven by John Henry Iron. Iron steps out of his car, and smiles at the camera saying,”I guess he got whiplash.”
Suddenly, Trejo(?) stands up and shouts “What is your name?”, to which Iron replies,”Ironman.”
Trejo(??) then whips him with an electric whip and replies “Your name is Toby!”
Ironman screams out,”No! It’s Ironman!”
and Trejo(???) whips him again, retorting “Your name is Toby!”
to which Ironman replies,”No! It’s Ironman!”
This epic struggle of wills continues for an astounding 37 minutes until John Henry Steel slams his car into Trejo (????).
He then steps out of his car and says,”Sorry to STEEL the show.”
Ironman does not accept his apology in the most brusque form— with a punch to the face.
In what could only be described as vicisitudious(?????) the titans clash in a clash of the titans in a way that titans have not clashed since the titans clashed in “Remember the Titans”.
Shaquile O’Neal does well, but whoever plays John Henry Iron STEELS the show.
I think this guy played him. I don’t know. I didn’t read the credits.
The movie was less of an action film and more of an intense dramedy focusing less on the brutal, graphic violence between Ironman and Steel, and more on the brutal, graphic love Ironman and Steel learn to feel for each other.
Abe Vigoda’s genre-busting performance as Mohammed was sorely missed, having been written out due to his death in late September, but Scarlett Johansenn’s graceful performance as Danny Trejo(??????) quickly made us forget all about Abe Vigoda.
Ironman Squared is the must see movie of this summer blockbuster season.
I give it two thumbs up, three rainbows, nineteen horseshoes, and half of a xannie-bar.
Ironman Squared is rated Pg-13 for cursing, violence, and graphic homosexual and bi-species sexuality
Old dogs are what young dogs become when they get old. One would think this common knowledge, but everybody always acts surprised when little Rover starts pukin’ blood all over the good rug.
Maybe they thought ol’ trusty Rover would stay spry and healthy their whole life; maybe they thought the rug would be good forever.
Regardless, when things get old enough, they start puking blood and eventually die.
So aptly titled is the new “Old Dogs”, the new John Travolta/Robin Williams vehicle. And by vehicle I mean old, rusty Camaro who’s radio was jacked fifteen years ago and never replaced, leaving a gaping wirey hole where it once was. What was once completely bitchin’ just makes us cringe when you pull up in it and honk that old familiar horn.
Look what you’ve done, Robin Williams. Look what you’ve done to Rover!
Okay, truth be told, I haven’t seen this movie. I will eventually. Why? Because my dad has bad taste in movies and the Red Box is an enabler of his habits. I saw “Wild Hogs” despite my better notions, and regretted every moment from the first leather jacket to the inescapable and obvious final show down with Danny Trejo.
I think that’s what directors do. Got a crappy, limp script and washed up actors and want to force some edge into it? Throw in an ex-con Mexican boxer. Boom, movie magic. Let’s go home guys.
I used to be afraid of Danny Trejo, ever since he showed up in “Desperado” bringing knives to a gunfight(with obvious consquences). But now, I feel like if I saw him in a dark alley, I’d just have to have a montage with Larry the Cable Guy fixing up some small town Women’s Club and he’d let me nail him in the balls and walk away with the girl, unraped and neutered.
And what happened to Robin Williams? She used to be so beautiful, back in her “Mrs. Doubtfire” heyday when she crossdressed as a creepy ex-coke addict to get married to her lovely lady friend or whatever. I dunno.
And John Travolta? More like John Trasuck…gay… I dunno, I gave up on that one.
Point being, “Old Dogs” is surefire to be the movie of the year with its touching story about two (probably gay) middle aged best friends who raise a baby together.
Sure to make as big of a statement as “Milk”, and have all of the warmth of previous Williams triumphs as “Jack” and “One Hour Photo”.
Go see this now.
I give this movie a nine.
Out of whatever.
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15/ 23 Stars